The POST "IF" Chronicles

"There is the mud, and there is the lotus that grows out of the mud. We need the mud in order to make the lotus."
Thich Nhat Hanh
Sorry I’m such a crap blogger nowadays. Just a quick rundown on life: 1. I’m back at work. It sucks balls at times but it feels good to be using a different part of my brain. Ultimately I would want to be a stay at home mom. 2. Kaya has been in solids since she was 4 months and loves it. 3. She was able to roll over at 5 months. She can’t chill for more than 5 minutes so she’s been attached to my hip literally or the Ergo. 4. I got her ears pierced. I did my research and found someone that specialized in infant piercings. She cried but I think it was more painful for me than it was for her. 5. Anxiety has been better managed but I know I need to see someone. That’s what is currently going on with me right now in a nutshell.

Sorry I’m such a crap blogger nowadays. Just a quick rundown on life:

1. I’m back at work. It sucks balls at times but it feels good to be using a different part of my brain. Ultimately I would want to be a stay at home mom.

2. Kaya has been in solids since she was 4 months and loves it.

3. She was able to roll over at 5 months. She can’t chill for more than 5 minutes so she’s been attached to my hip literally or the Ergo.

4. I got her ears pierced. I did my research and found someone that specialized in infant piercings. She cried but I think it was more painful for me than it was for her.

5. Anxiety has been better managed but I know I need to see someone.

That’s what is currently going on with me right now in a nutshell.

The Fighter

A little over a year ago this time around one little perfect embryo was transferred. I remember telling myself that everything will fall into place and that this was just one more hurdle before we reach the finish line…I was leaving all of my hope in God and nature’s hands. 

And now she’s here, cooing and gurgling in our video monitor as I type this. My time with her has been flying and she amazes me each day with her smiles and new skill she has learned. Motherhood is no cake walk. There have been plenty of times where I’ve been frustrated, super tired, overly anxious and thought to myself what the fuck was I thinking?! It’s shitty and tiring for a while and then something amazing and beautiful happens and when that does it just wipes the shitty/tired slate clean. 

Thanksgiving this year was pretty short. We stayed for only an hour or so because Kaya kept crying. It was sort of my fault. I basically threw her into the arms of a relative 5 minutes into her nap. But all was good, I didn’t have a panic attack, no anxiety. I just went into another quiet room to try to sooth her. 

I’m starting to know all of her quirks, what she likes and doesn’t like. I know when it starts to get closer to her bedtime, she likes it pretty calm, quiet and doesn’t want to be played with. D will get her ready for bed, I’ll get her bottle ready and put on the Native Flute channel on Pandora. She only really wants to be held by me until she falls asleep or is drowsy where I can put her down in her cosleeper. She’s starting to know her people and is starting to get some stranger anxiety…which is fine. I just know now that I need to hold her for a little while when we take her to new places before she warms up. 

PPA and PPOCD

I never knew they existed until I self diagnosed myself. I’ve been around, just trying to deal with what I have to deal with. Baby K is doing fine, it’s just my nerves getting the best of me since I’ve taken her home. Just been the overly over protective mama bird. I’m looking to see someone that can help. OB referred me to a counselor, but I would like to see someone who specializes in anxiety and PPD. 

Im on my cell but there a few more of Kaya’s newbie session.

Im on my cell but there a few more of Kaya’s newbie session.

A week overdue but: Please welcome Kaya Christine. Born on 8/9/12 at 5:45 pm. Weighing 5lbs. 11 oz. and 18.5 inches long. 

A week overdue but: Please welcome Kaya Christine. Born on 8/9/12 at 5:45 pm. Weighing 5lbs. 11 oz. and 18.5 inches long. 

Our recent SF Shower. Had a blast, but glad it was over. I’m starting to really slow down.

We had a scare over the July 4th holiday, what was supposed to be a normal OB appointment turned out to be a 6 hour visit at L&D. Looks like Baby K’s HB was a little low and I was contracting every 8-13 minutes. I was put on bedrest until I met again with my OB today and was given a Rx to stop contractions up until I’m 37 weeks. 

Today my OB measured baby girl along with her HB. She is doing good, thank ya baby Jesus! Although I was ordered on bed rest up until delivery and since I’ve been diagnosed with GD my OB plans on inducing at 38 weeks which is standard for all mama-to-be’s with GD. 

I’m really kind of bummed just because I’m a busy body and although we got the nursery put together and all the major necessities purchased there is still so much to do. We had to cancel our birthing class this weekend because of the bed rest. So when the time does come I’ll just have to wing it. I’m just grateful that we are finally here and although things are not going according to plan, baby is healthy and she will be here in the next 4 weeks. 

I’m in a photo sharing mood today. One of my most favorite pics, D waiting for her to horse kick my belly in the morning. Happy Monday all!

I’m in a photo sharing mood today. One of my most favorite pics, D waiting for her to horse kick my belly in the morning. Happy Monday all!

Our nursery is about 90% finished thanks to majority my hubz for putting the big stuff together and I’ve washed all of the clothes, bibs, blankets that she’s recieved so far. Lately I’ve been hanging out in her room a lot just smiling and inhaling the new wood & baby smells…nostalgia I tell you.

Our SF shower is in 2 weeks and my work is throwing me one on July 13th. So grateful for all of these people. I cannot believe that she will be here in about 5-8 more weeks. She’s been rockin’ n rollin’ in there and I see my OB tomorrow to see how she’s progressing. Enjoy!

Crib: Graco Lauren

Bedding: BananaFish Love Bird

Decal: Etsy

Dresser/Drawer: Ikea

Paint: Behr Ultra Premium - Whispering Yellow

Our LV Baby Shower. It was great seeing my family, friends. Gossip, eat and laugh. Unfortunately I was recently diagnosed with GD, bummer, but we’re in the home stretch and I’m so grateful we have gotten this far. We get to meet our little pink bundle in 11 more weeks (give or take a few).

God will let this one slide…

Me and D headed to my mom and sissy poo’s for the shower they were throwing for me in Vegas last weekend. It was such an amazing turn out and I am so blessed to have these folks in my life. I am truly grateful for all the friends and family that came out or thought of us. Pics to be posted soon.

Anywho moving along, so I had to return some stuff at Walmart since there’s one near my work and I don’t know when I’ll be heading over there again (I’m more of a Target gal). I figured why not just use the credit to buy more diapers and wipes. I must admit, Walmart did have cheaper prices compared to Target, Amazon Mom & Babies “R” Us. So I piled up the cart with Pampers and wipes.

As I was pushing my cart up to my trunk. I saw this very young pregnant girl walking up towards me, I smiled at her since we both had matching bellies (Side note - this girl looked straight like a gypsy wanderer and not like a homeless person). Then she holds up this sign and holds out her hand. I am one those that never carries cash, it’s always plastic because I know cash will be gone the instant it’s in my hand so I told her that I didn’t have any dollars to spare. So she continues to point at my cart full of diapers and wipes and points at her belly. And so I said “NO, THANKS!” and went straight in my car.

I immediately felt guilty because I am fortunate enough to be able to get these things. So I called D because I was so sure Zeus would throw down a thunderbolt at me after what I just did. He reassured that there was nothing wrong with how I handled the situation. I am such a strong believer in karma that I thought that this incident would bite me in the ass someday. But then I sat in my car some more and thought about it…there is NOTHING wrong with what I just did. I deserve these darn diapers and wipes. After all that D and I have went through just to have this little girl. These dang diapers are owed to me. This young gypsy girl probably got knocked up by someone just looking at her!! Ugh! The nerve of some people! Besides there are shelters for women like her and help from the state if she utilizes those resources.

My sister put it in perfect terms - “Nik, I think God will let this one slide…” LOL! Happy hump day folks!